i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
