i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
