I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
