I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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