i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
