I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
