Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
