I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
