Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
