I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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