My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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