About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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