Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
