You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
