when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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