What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
