I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
