i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
