Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
