# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
barbara walters just said penis...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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