My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
These tits shall not be calmed
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
