i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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