Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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