I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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