I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
