Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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