I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
