Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
