its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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