My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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