I just pynch a tree in the face
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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