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apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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