your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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