while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
