Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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