She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
