someone threw a dead crab at me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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