I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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