You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
