Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
