I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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