I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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