The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
