i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
