He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
