i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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