Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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