Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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