I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
