he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We don't watch enough power rangers
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
