Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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