Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
