I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
