Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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